I am a basket case. I’ve had my third A/C (one more to go) followed by Taxol for 12 weekly infusions. I did great after the first two infusions followed by the Neulasta shot that I gave myself. This third one has kicked my butt. Made me question my very being and if i can really do it. I am so depressed and down my lip is practically dragging. I’ve got a funny, fluttery feeling in my chest (like I’ve have 10 espressos!) and plainly feel like crap. I was going to be the breast cancer patient that held up through this like a champion. Wasn’t going to complain. People were going to be amazed by my resolve and inspiration to others. Well, you can forget that. I have cried more in the last two days than I have since my diagnosis two months ago. Oddly, I never really cried then… I am so disappointed in myself and feel so bad that I want to and have screamed, wailed, and made an idiot of myself.
I have a real “following” on Facebook and feel like I can’t disappoint my “fans.” I’m ready to tell the docs, my family, and my dear, dear husband to screw the next A/C and all the rest of the Taxol. Sometimes I wish I’d never found my lump (diagnostic mammo couldn’t either!) and was living my old, ignorant but pain-free life.
Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. I just really needed to vent my TRUE feelings.