There is no canned response to this question. Its something you have to learn as you go. In a marriage, there is all that goes with being a couple and how you work together that comes into play. Any outpoints in your relationship will become more profound under this kind of stress.

In my case, I’m the more optimistic partner and my husband the more pessimistic one. For me the early days were focused on getting him into a better frame of mind. One of hope. I did all the research and organizing and understanding of his disease and asked him to trust me to do that. As a result, and because of his personality, I “filtered” all the research and kept the worries and difficulties to myself. I then needed to find an outlet for me, as I didn’t want to lay my fears and concerns on him. I just wanted him to focus on doing what he needed to do each day and keeping himself moving in an upward direction. I was his primary cheerleader and worked to find others to impart upbeat attitudes toward his condition. He continued to work full time through this year of treatment and my focus was also fully supporting him in that effort.

As time as gone on, empowering him and letting go of some of the duties I have had has been important. Sometimes I let go of too much and he feels overwhelmed, so we do a delicate dance on many things along these lines.

Talking with other patients and caregivers has been immensely helpful to me in anticipating or better understanding how he might be feeling and thus be a better support person for him.

I did have one rule that I imposed on myself, which was really hard, being his wife – it was under no circumstances would I “harass” him about anything! The typical bickering that might go on in our marriage about putting out trash, wiping feet, etc., were no longer allowed by me. It was self imposed of course, but I felt it was just not the time or place. Little by little he began to pick up his old chores and duties as he felt he could.

Allowing others to help is difficult when you are used to being the “helper”. But I had had earlier experience having taken care of my mother during her cancer death. I know that allowing people to help is as important for them as it is me. So I have learned how to accept it, manage it and direct it and it has been tremendously helpful and I feel enriched by it.